A spoof on some of the most popular sleep training methods, from a baby’s point of view. This is so funny, just had to share. Enjoy!
‘OK, here’s my situation. My Mommy has had me for almost seven months. The first few months were great. I cried, she picked me up and fed me, anytime, day or night. Then something happened. Over the last few weeks, she has been trying to STTN (sleep through the night). At first, I thought it was just a phase, but it is only getting worse. I’ve talked to other babies, and it seems like its pretty common after Mommies have had us for around six months.
Here’s the thing: these Mommies don’t really need to sleep. Its just a habit. Many of them have had some 30 years to sleep and they just don’t need it anymore. So I am implementing a plan. I call it the Crybaby Shuffle. It goes like this:
Night 1: Cry every three hours until you get fed. I know, its hard. Its hard to see your Mommy upset over your crying. Just keep reminding yourself, its for her own good.
Night 2: Cry every two hours until you get fed.
Night 3: Cry every hour. Most Mommies will start to respond more quickly after about three nights.
Some Mommies are more alert, and may resist the change longer. These Mommies may stand in your doorway for hours, shhhh-ing. Don’t give in. I cannot stress this enough: CONSISTENCY IS KEY!! If you let her STTN (sleep through the night), just once, she will expect it every night. I KNOW ITS HARD! But she really doesn’t need the sleep, she’s just resisting the change.
If you have an especially alert Mommy, you can stop crying for about 10 minutes, just long enough for her to go back to bed and start to fall asleep. Then cry again. It WILL eventually work. My Mommy once stayed awake for 10 hours straight, so I know she can do it.
Last night, I cried every hour. You just have to decide to stick to it and just go for it. BE CONSISTENT! I cried for any reason I could come up with. My sleep sack tickled my foot. I felt a wrinkle under the sheet. My mobile made a shadow on the wall. I burped, and it tasted like pears. I hadn’t eaten pears since lunch, what’s up with that? The cat said ‘meow’. I should know. My Mommy reminds me of this about 20 times a day. LOL. Once I cried just because I liked how it sounded when it echoed on the monitor in the other room. Too hot, too cold, just right – doesn’t matter! Keep crying!! It took awhile, but it worked.
She fed me at 4am. Tomorrow night, my goal is 3:30am. You need to slowly shorten the interval between feedings in order to reset your Mommies internal clocks. Sometimes my Mommy will call for reinforcements by sending in Daddy. Don’t worry, Daddies are not set up for not needing sleep the way Mommies are. They can only handle a few pats and shhing before they declare defeat and send in the Mommy.
Also, be wary of the sleep sheep with rain noises. I like to give Mommy false hope that listening to the rain puts me to sleep sometimes I pretend to close my eyes and be asleep and then wait until I know Mommy is settling back to sleep to spring a surprise cry attack.If she doesn’t get to me fast enough I follow up with my fake cough and gag noise that always has her running to the crib.At some point I am positive she will start to realise that she really doesn’t really need sleep.
P.S. Don’t let those rubber things fool you, no matter how long you suck on them, no milk will come out. Trust me
I couldn’t find the source of this, if anyone knows, please email me.